I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
