And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
