you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
