I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
