So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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