I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
