So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
