she was so not down for the gang bang
I cannot find my penis.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
