his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
