I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
