Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
