first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
