please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
