we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Sext me about skeletons
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
