I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
