was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
