Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
