I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
