careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
