do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
