I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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