I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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