We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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