Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
