he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I wish you could order shots online.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
