The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
