Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
