Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
