I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
