when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Randomize
