I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
