My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
