Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
