That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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