Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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