I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
