I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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