I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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