I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I'm at about main and main street
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
