Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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