I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
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