i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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