My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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