im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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