We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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