I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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