so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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