You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
