alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
