Your face is a jimmy john
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
