every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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