dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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